some story.

As the phrase "love you forever" was tumbling and going through my mind, I remembered reading a story somewhere and somewhen telling that there is an absolute cure for love. I had forgotten who wrote the story and what the title was, I can only recall that it was in a compilation of short stories; a small blue paperback crammed full of last century's musings about the future. In that story it tells that the cure for love is time, or specifically Immortality.

I guess the premise of that story would deromanticize the vampires of Anne Rice, if not, all of the romantic immortal vampires of fiction and yes, there goes Edward Cullen too. When time stops to affect you physically, it would always be a major paradigm shift, and I am thinking now that emotions or feelings would always find itself rooted in previous memories and the connection of a certain memory to another; and memory being temporal, where do you root your emotions when you have lost sense of time? when time doesn't affect you anymore? Eternal life, as I stop to think about it is certainly overrated.

Because for what purpose or reason are emotions when the persons that you devote them in would always pass, depart and die. Hate is far from the being the opposite of love, Indifference rather is the nearest as it does not even acknowledge that emotion, and perhaps even negates it. I guess through time Indifference would always win and B. Corgan would only sing it more simply, "the more you change, the less you feel".

And if the story was ever true, even in some context, the phrase that had been tumbling in my mind "love you forever" would be a contradiction of sorts, since forever would only intimate immortality and by the definition of forever the phrase would defeat its purpose. But as it goes it is only a story, a science fiction from the early 1900s and it, among many other contradictions in my life, wouldn't really change how I feel, when I think and say that "I love you forever". That story can only make that phrase truer for me.

currently playing E:\Internal

311 - Love Song
Ace of Base - All That She Wants
Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
Arkarna - Block Capital
Ash - Girl From Mars
Ash - Oh Yeah
Backdraft - Sad Mad Ballad
Ben Folds Five - Battle of Who Could Care Less
Betrayed - Without You
Better than Ezra - Desperately Wanting
Big Head Todd And The Monsters - Tangerine
Bloc Party - Banquet
Blur - You´re so Great
Bush - Swallowed
Chain Gang - Tuesday Of My Being Sick
Chicosci - Paris
Coldplay - Shiver
Colin Hay - Overkill
Collective Soul - Burning Bridges
Collective Soul - She Gathers Rain
Color it Red - I Need You Here
Counting Crows - Anna Begins
Counting Crows - Goodnight Elisabeth
Daft Punk - Something About Us
Dave Matthews Band - #34
Dave Matthews Band - Say Goodbye
Deftones - No Ordinary Love
Dishwalla - Every Little Thing
Eric Clapton - Signe
Filter - Take a Picture
Foo Fighters - Best Of You
Fra Lippo Lippi - Shouldn't Have To Be Like That
Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
Garbage - When I Grow Up
Gary Jules - Mad World
Goldfinger - This Lonely Place
Gwyneth Paltrow - Bette Davis Eyes
H-Blockx - How Do You Feel
Hugh Wilson - Falling Away(Sprite Commercial)
Imago - Akap
Incubus - I Miss You
Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love)
Indio I - Di Mo Lang Alam
Jack Johnson - No Other Way
Jack Johnson - Staple It Together
James - Say Something
Jars of Clay - Five Candles
Jet Black Joe - Rain
Jimi Hendrix - Fire
Joe Satriani - Cryin'
John Legend - Save Room
John Mayer - Dreaming With A Broken Heart
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Kapatid - Luha
K's Choice - Not an Addict
Lenny Kravitz - It aint Over Till It's Over
Live - All Over You
Madonna - This Used To Be My Playground
Matchbox 20 - If You're Gone
Maxwell - Eachhoureachsecondeachminuteeachday Of My Life
Michael Franks - Mr. Blue
Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get
Moonpools & Caterpillars - Ren
Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get
Mr. Big - Promise Her The Moon
Mutiny - Ibaon Mo Sa Limot
Nirvana - Dumb
Noel Cabangon - Nag-iisa, Wala Ka Na
Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger
Oasis - Slide Away
Pearl Jam - State of Love and Trust
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Popsicle - Histrionics
Radiohead - Thinking About You
Rivermaya - Hate
Rizal Underground - Come Around Again
Sheila and the Insects - Unholy Days
Sheryl Crow - D'yer Mak'er
Silverchair - Miss You Love
Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise
Smoking Popes - Need You Around
Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
Stone Temple Pilots - Big Empty
Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
Sugar Hiccup - Womb
Sugarfree - Unang Araw
Switchfoot - Meant To Live
The Beatles - Something
The Black Crowes - Hard to Handle
The Cardigans - I Need Some Fine Wine And You You Need To Be Nicer
The Cure - Just Like Heaven
The Dambuilders - Shrine
The Dawn - Tulad ng Dati
The Jerks - Malayo na ang Puso
The Lemonheads - It's a Shame about Ray
The Offspring - Gone Away
The Teeth - Me
The Wallflowers - Closer To You
The Wuds - Takipsilim
The Youth - Nobody Loves Me
Toad The Wet Sprocket - All I Want
Tom Waits - Hang Down Your Head
Tom Waits - San Diego Serenade
True Faith - Everything She Wore
Veruca Salt - One Last Time
Weezer - No Other One
Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World

tuesday of my being this.

I lay down again on top of the bunk bed, and watched the light filter in through the blue curtain of our room. I was waiting for the light to fade, for the windows to turn dark again, waiting for the late afternoon to die and shrivel into evening. There was still some time yet, and blue yet was the light coming in and I lay there watching and knew that my mind was not there with me. The occasional breeze coming in and out as it alternately lifted the curtain and pressed it again on the window made it appear like it was breathing even if rather irregularly, as if in gasps, stealing breaths when it can; like some morbid mockery of suffocation.

It is the time of the sun again and her rage is here, becoming a constant inescapable truth every midmorning when I would just be able to sleep. I wish for rain, even with all the accompanying memories that it carries with it, even if it will remind also like a constant inescapable truth but always better the coldness than the heat. Not that the rain would also help with my sleep, it will also allow me a broader view of my mind. The past days I sleep no longer than three hours before I find myself staring, and wide awake, remembering dreams before they pale away to my first thoughts being born upon waking. I am not even surprised of the central theme that these thoughts have, they are always the same. They are the same as the last thought I have before I slip away into uneasy sleep. My sleep pattern is approximating the way I slept some years ago.

The blue has just become pronounced and there are fringes of darkness already encroaching outside the window. I silently go down the bunk bed and turn off the fan, silently wondering again if being busy would be some sort of escape, an unconventional therapy, a vent for the excesses of the mind but I know that once I get there, I would start wondering again if it would have been better to stay here in the apartment and just alternately write and space out, then look out of the front door, craving for rain.

he never saw Molly again.

and you reached in deep again, from all those years, and dragged me back from under the water and watched me as I lay gasping, breathing in air again, and it was being born again.
naked and shivering, I crawled towards you and you cradled me like before and we sat there; quiet and watching the horizon change as we held hands waiting and watching eternity crash along the shore.
our wings moved and they felt a wind rising; iridescent and blinding in the light of the sun, now on its way to a seeming death in the ocean and we flew looking at each other in some sort of surreal vision, only the reassurance of touch making it a reality.
our souls having been forsaken for some time are finding each other again, finding a measure of being in one piece and the stars slowly came out to watch our dance.

for a time, for some time. there was only us and nothing else.

a strategic nuke just went off in my mind and i'm finding it hard to smile.

or even show an iota of any emotion in the proper way that it should be displayed and there's just this sudden need to just go somewhere quiet and gradually fade from there; to just walk for hours and lose myself in the sound of my footsteps and my breathing. To space out without any idea of time passing, without any thought of living and without the very idea of a center.

This is for taking away gravity and bringing it back once I reached cloud height. It wasn't the long slow fall that I imagined, when it happened, it was a straight downward plunge, no slow motion, or graceful descent. Full and deep impact. Just after tonight easy and comfortable sleep would be elusive once again, and fuck if I'd care to look for it, to care for another futile act in my history of desperate futile attempts; all attempts made with full proper knowledge beforehand.

The resulting radiation is caving in my chest at the moment and I'm finding it hard to breath, I thought I had been here before but I was wrong again. This is something entirely fresh and an entirely new world of pain, when my last thought was your laughter and little story about your hair before ground zero disappeared, before I was swallowed up by the passionate force and heat of perhaps a thousand suns in the space of a few seconds.

At this time, I don't even have enough push to wonder what is left, there's just a vague feeling of breathing and being there. When vision returns for a moment, reality fucks me up as I find you superimposed in everything, then I drift away again and so very little remains. Even if this is me, this is you; and this is us most of all. What very little remains belong to the wind and at the mercy of the radioactive wind. I had wanted to die in your arms, looking at your eyes and you. There is just no one here beneath this mushroom cloud.

If I cannot think and feel, am I still...

mp3s for my funeral.

Dirges, elegies, laments or whatever you may want to call them, these are the songs that will follow you to your grave. These will be the songs that they will play on your wake, flowing out somberly from speakers that someone brought in to add more ambience to the funeral parlor, adding more drama to your drama. These will be the songs that will play out from the tinny speakers of the hearse that will bring you to your supposed final resting place, and more often than not, they will play it from cassette players. Almost always "Hindi kita malilimutan" would be played, and the playlist of the usual crud of music that were playing even before you were born or songs you never hear anywhere except in funerals. Songs in the ever lonely minor keys, and songs made only to wring more grief out of sadness. Now, what if someone could just play the songs you were fond of when you were still alive...what if you could, before you ever expired, told the world that they play your playlist in your wake and in your funeral to remember you by instead of those songs...

I dont think I am writing this is out of morbidity or even a deathwish or a penchant for death but perhaps, I should say, insurance for the living. I am not a moviestar, a politician or even a rockstar, I don't think I am even barely popular but I'm sure there would be souls who will come to my wake and walk alongside that black hearse towards my still unoccupied grave and I will be more than thankful if the songs that will be played would be the songs they knew I liked and loved to hear. Small comfort if you're dead but a comfort still. And to those people who came it would be more okay if the last song that will play in their head when they depart from the cemetery would be a familiar tune, instead of Gary Valenciano's voice crooning "Hindi kita malilimutan".

My playlist would always include Counting Crows at the top my list along with Blind Melon. It would be a free for all from there; from Gin Blossoms to Metallica, from John Mayer to Soundgarden to Rage Against the Machine, from Eraserheads to Backdraft, to Indio I; from Daft Punk to Tom Waits. I know could go on for some more and the songs would just go on and they will continue on playing long after I have been buried and started to go soft, I guess there are just too many of them after those first two bands; perhaps I should make my playlist more definitive then. Perhaps I should start writing it down and lower it down to just 400 songs and give that list to whoever would be able on my wake and funeral. Now, wouldn't it be wonderful if they could play the songs you like on your funeral, on your last hurrah before you start turning to dust, before they start forgetting about the color of your eyes...

How about you, have a playlist running in your mind?

the distance to the sun.

A few hours ago, as I sat inside the Fort Bus and resigned to the fact that I was running late, I looked out of the window and everything outside was suddenly in soft focus; all encased in their own glow, or reflected from somewhere. Perhaps it was the surreality of the scene passing outside, or even perhaps coupled with my mood that I was unexpectedly drawn back to the present and found some different pieces that I have been holding in my mind suddenly falling into place. And I continued looking outside and just lost myself in the music I was listening to, not wanting to think at that moment, and felt that sudden unbearable lightness of being carried no weight anymore tonight and some more things in my mind floated away like errant ballons and were gone.

Then I got off the bus, went inside our building and in the enclosed space of the elevator, I realized that I had turned the volume up in my player loud enough to drown any ambient noise and the heady trip that I was having continued. The flourescent lights were also suddenly glaring tonight as I looked over the digital clock that read I was 19 minutes late for my graveyard shift. Then I went online and read an e-mail from you and reread old ones and thought perhaps that there was a habit starting to form somewhere here as I went through the motions of looking for you online. Then work intruded once more.

A quarter of a day later as l looked out of the 12th floor, I saw that morning had calmly intruded through the dark blue of the fading night and remembered that short ride a few hours back in the bus whose windows, covered in a sheer patina of dust and age, were soft focus lenses. Unconsciously, I ran my hand over my head and knew that my mind was still right there and if things were changing then this was just a sort of a follow through, the ripples going out in ever smaller and tinier circles.

I knew this also meant that I could feel again, that my emotions were right again, and that singular prevailing emotion was right back with me again. Alive and flowing through me; making me myself again.

another 160 characters.

Perhaps I wasn't expecting to see more of these, I guess I was wrong then. I found more of my 160 characters; some faithfully rewritten more than half a decade ago, some I saw again from old journals that I haven't read in a lifetime, some were collecting electronic dust in an old sim card, some are words that I know would never get sent and some recent ones I wrote for ghosts and perhaps for myself.

even this far i can see you, the evening wind making you cold, making me miss you like 7 years ago, wishing i had eight arms to hold you and to keep you warm.

before sleep comes,before tiredness wins and before i seek the refuge of sleep,i think of you;your voice,your hair,your skin and let all of you cover over me.

life, at the moment, is waking up in the morning, alone on a cold strange bed, and finding daisies printed on my pillow and missing all of you and your warmth.

have lost & found myself in them. have burned their images in my mind. have made love loving them. perhaps they're closed now, can i,may i kiss them open again?

you know, i would kill for a kiss, a single french kiss from you; and I'll massacre for a naked hug along with that kiss; a genocide if we could make love.

remember rain,remember you.remember oceans,remember you.remember blue mornings,remember you.remember summer afternoons,remember you.remember me,remember you.

no chance for sleep, only trying to ignore the deep want that i was there watching over you. i tried the tv, and saw us there, our lives two movies in a row.

and i'll hold you as i want you;hold me as you want me and we'll slowdance in the music of our warmth,together after for so long, our souls can make love again.

somewhere between naga and the thought of home; between this place and that time, the expected and the not; with only you in my mind together with our escapes.

yes, change; always as a wind, scentless and with clouds, formless and of all shapes. yes, a change is coming; cold troubled air molecules troubling karmas.

an empty house is a cold companion even with cable tv, and i sudden feel more older today, as i kept looking for you as the channels flash on by.

i remember our adobo dinners held like celebrations in different plates and zip codes and how we ate our dinners with each other in our minds and tongues.